Everyone I know is struggling. I’m struggling. My family is struggling. My friends are struggling.
It’s not just the waves of germs going around and around.
Depression. Anxiety. Fear. Worry. Malcontent.
A general feeling of being stuck and feeling powerless. About what’s happening in the world. And about our own choices in life. Or lack thereof, really.
When was the last time you felt relief? Real relief that you paused in and savored?
It’s hard to make time and space for recovery. Very hard. Especially all on our own.
Life can feel like an endless game of whack-a-mole. Things keep popping up that have to be dealt with. Urgent emails. Sick kids. Clogged toilets. Empty wallets. Hungry bellies.
Just feeding myself is such a chore. Day after day. It’s relentless. And not easy for me.
I don’t like admitting that. But it’s true.
I’m worried that if I say these things, that’s all you see. My weakness. My struggles. You’ll lose faith that I can do things. That I’m good at my job. That I’m good to my family.
Why is it so scary to be fully seen? To say, I don’t have it altogether.
What’s the point? What’s the purpose? Why am I saying this?
Well…maybe because it’s true. It’s real.
Last week, I wrote in my own voice and I shared what I wrote. After nearly 20 years of writing for other people and institutions, I wrote something for myself.
Then I said I would do it again. 17 more times! What was I thinking?!?
It’s been a hard week, my kid is sick again, and I have thought many times of not writing or sharing this week. It was only a promise to myself, after all. What does it matter?
I could give myself grace – and I have. I gave myself permission to not write, not share, not post on the schedule I laid out last week.
But something inside me didn’t let it go.
It’s so much harder to keep the promises I make to myself.
But last week, I made a declaration. That I wanted something and was going to do it.
And I don’t want to let it go. I want to do it.
What I write won’t change the world. It won’t change the murder my government is doing.
So, what’s the point?
Well, because I matter. You matter. Our lives, our dreams, and what we want for ourselves, it matters.
And it’s not enough to just survive. To get by. To work ourselves into the ground for other people. To walk around pretending we’re okay when we’re a river of grief inside.
Although most messages and stories from our culture tell us the opposite.
Don’t cry.
Don’t be mad or sad, remember the good.
Aspire to overwork.
Blame other people for our ills and troubles.
Compete to be the busiest, least cared for.
Treat people poorly and you’ll be rewarded.
Sacrifice your well-being, physically and mentally.
The idea of caring for ourselves, showing deep empathy for others, what nonsense is that?
The nonsense that makes us maintain a society that doesn’t work.
That kills through hunger and lack of shelter. Lack of medical care. Lack of empathy.
We pretend it doesn’t affect us all the time. But it does.
It hurts our souls. Our hearts and minds. All of our being.
We’re often not aware, so we can get through our day. Keep our job, feed our kids. We put the intolerable reality out of our minds, out of our consciousness. Because it’s too much.
Too much to feel alone. Too much to fully let in.
Two things come to mind.
The first is a lesson my first mentor taught me. I was young, it was my first job after college.
In our first meeting, he asked me a question I had no answer to.
“How do you eat an elephant?”
I was not prepared for that. I looked at him blankly. Startled. Maybe I shook my head?
“One bite at a time,” he replied.
The job he was giving me was overwhelming. I had no idea how to do it.
But he had faith that I could learn, one step at a time. And he was right. Because he helped me take it step by step. Not get stuck in overwhelm or fear. To start and to keep at it.
Last week, I started something. This week, I’m keeping at it.
The second thing that comes to mind is an old song. A circle song. You may know it.
Step by step, the longest march
Can be won, can be won
Many stones can form an arch
Singly none, singly none
And by union what we will
Can be accomplished still
Drops of water turn a mill
Singly none, singly none
Step by step, the longest march
Can be won, can be won
Many stones can form an arch
Singly none, singly none
And by union what we will
Can be accomplished still
Drops of water turn a mill
Singly none, singly none
The song is by Pete Seeger. My favorite version is by Sweet Honey in the Rock. You can listen here.
Thank you for reading.
I hope whatever burdens you carry can be lessened somewhat today.
