Have you ever thought about doing something a lot…and then haven’t done it? And I mean, think about it a LOT, and still haven’t done it?
Well, I have. I have thought about writing in my own voice, for myself, for a very long time. And I’ve tried. Many times. Started and stopped. Made goals and then quickly dropped them. I could get lost in potential “whys” – why I struggle, etc, etc, etc. But I don’t want to.
I want to start. So, here goes.
I’m a mess of thoughts. I have so many thoughts. They are not organized into neat content buckets. Or a clear brand. I could argue that I need those things, and argue that I don’t.
But either way, I don’t have clarity. Even though a voice in my head says, clarity is what I have to offer. If I don’t have it, stop talking, stop writing.
My body is a little shaky. I am afraid.
I am just sitting at a computer, writing something I never have to share. Safe in my house. And yet, I am shaking in fear.
I pause. Breathe. Take some time to return to myself a bit.
I’m not walking away. I’m not stopping.
And I’m not overriding the fear or feelings either.
I’m going to breathe and write and keep the fear and other feelings with me until they are ready to move on.
They will lessen. And they’ll come back. They come and go.
My fear has little to do with the present moment. Yet, it is here, in my present, in my body.
I am shaking and wiggling to get some of the energy of the fear out of my body. Old fear trapped in my body doesn’t help me, it wants to get out.
It’s a little funny. I’m shaking my butt a lot. And my back and arms.
I am cold.
I stare at the mountain outside my window, the sun rising over it, muted by clouds.
The intensity lessens as I notice noises and sensations. My feet are cold in my slippers. My back is warm from the heating paid on my chair. My butt and legs are supported by my chair. I listen to the air purifier behind me and the noise of my keyboard. And notice my breath.
I feel like a swirl of thought and emotion. I want to get clear on what I want…that I can do now.
I want so many things that I can’t have. A different upbringing. No poverty or violence.
Peace of mind, and peace in the world. These are hard things to not have. For all of us.
And also, as much as I don’t have peace in my mind, I DO.
I just have to find it. It’s there, just a lot harder to find and hold onto.
My brain – like your brain and everyone else’s – has a negativity bias. It is our biology that makes us see the threats more prominently – to feel fear and worry more intensely.
Thanks, biology, for keeping us alive. I appreciate it. Truly, I do.
And, I want more.
Since I can (a fact I don’t take lightly), I’m going to choose to live outside of that bias. I’m not going to ignore or deny the negatives. They are part of the whole. Part of me.
But that’s just it, they are PART of the whole.
Not all of it. There is more. So much more.
It’s easy to get lost in the negatives. For them to feel like everything. To feel overwhelmed. I am. To feel hopeless. I am. To feel scared and afraid. I am. To feel angry and resentful. I am.
It’s harder to notice the beauty. It’s harder to see the choices we do have. It’s harder to hold it all, accept and embrace it all, and offer ourselves grace and compassion. Love and understanding.
Especially when you don’t have a model for it. Or experience doing it.
I didn’t. I had to learn. I’m still learning.
Learning to love myself despite the hatred and loathing I was taught.
Learning to accept myself and the mistakes I make.
Learning to forgive myself for being imperfect.
Learning to accept my limitations without judgment or fear.
Learning to accept my pain and regret as part of me, not something to be shunned or changed.
Learning to slow down and be present.
Learning to experience joy.
Learning to take in beauty.
Learning to dwell on everyday pleasures.
Learning to pause patterns of overwork and numbing.
Learning to choose the way I want to live.
Learning to appreciate the mess of contradictions that I am.
Learning to create better boundaries between me and noisy nonsense.
Learning to live differently than what was passed down to me. By my caregivers and society.
Are you ready? I am ready for a different way of living and being. So, here goes.
Over 18 weeks, starting today, I am going to share my voice.
Every Friday, I will share something I write. I expect I will share what is on my mind, what I am wanting for myself, and how I am learning to create the life I desire.
I am going to be scared. And I’m going to do it anyway.
Because it’s something that matters to me. Finding and using my own voice.
Not for other people. Not for organizations or institutions.
For me.
Writing in my own voice is something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time.
I still don’t have clarity. But I don’t need it to begin. To try and notice what happens. To trust in myself.
So, even if it doesn’t go well, even if it’s hard, I’m going to try. Because there is something here I want.
So, here goes.
Thank you for reading.
I hope whatever burdens you carry, can be lessened somewhat today.
